Frustrations

I am having a day where I am utterly frustrated over something that I truly have not much control over.  I have been sick for a few weeks now and cannot get better.  Just a year ago my body was not in this condition.  I rarely got anything but strep throat every so often.  I never had bad colds, and I never had the flu.  I even had a horrible diet and drank a lot more alcohol than I currently do.  So what changed?

Well,  I feel that everything happens for a reason. Even though I may not fully understand today what that reason may be, I know that someday I will. Psoriasis happened to me. It really came out of  nowhere and I was blindsided by it.  I woke up one day with small red marks on my arms and legs and my skin has never been the same since then.  I spent most of Winter/Spring 2010 in Urgent Care and using all of my sick and vacation days as sick days.  My body was adjusting to being attacked and it was not used to it.  My school work suffered as a result.  I had to drop from three classed to just one class that semester.  I wanted to sleep a lot more.  I had crazy random fevers in the middle of the night.  I felt so alone.  My friends had no idea what it felt like to be trapped in a body that hated itself.  I know that they felt bad for me.  My own mother was in denial that anything was really wrong with me for most of the this year.  I think that she finally understands what I have. She even did a psoriasis walk with me in August.  I really liked having the support.  In the summer I really couldn't even tell that something was wrong with me.  The only sign that I was sick were the scars on my arms, but otherwise I was really healthy.  

I fell like having this disease had made me appreciate all of my positives.  It also makes me take better care of my body.  I have completely changed my diet and lifestyle around.  I eat a diet that I thought would have killed me a year ago.  Now I do it to stay healthy.  I drink a lot less alcohol.  You will rarely find me pulling an all nighter, or even late nighter anymore.  I read health articles all the time to see if there are ways to boost my immune system.  I find it crazy that I am 25 and have to worry about germs and dieting.  I also know that there are people my age in far worse situations than I am.  At least I have a healthy heart and brain.  

One of the hardest things to adjust to is having people feel sorry for me.  I do hate being sick, but you will rarely hear me whining about it.  I have come to accept my situation and know that I just have to be extra careful in many ways.  I do dislike that it's obvious I am sick a lot and co-workers and friends do feel bad for me.  I know that they mean well in their concern, but I know that I just hate having people feel that way for me. 

I know that to stay healthy I just have to focus on my body and how I care for it.  I also need to avoid stress, which I am terrible at.  I need to be told to take a time-out and just relax.  I have an amazing person in my life that really cares for me, and I know that he will help me with the stress part.  I love how he just lounges around with me knowing that my body and brain need some rest.  If I didn't have someone helping me out with that I would overwhelm my body. I always do.

So really I had to write today because I feel so alone with this and frustrated.  I hate being sick and not being able to give everyday my all.   I don't believe or expect the people in my life to know what I go through. 

What it takes

I just wanted to take a break from writing about men I have dated.  I wanted to analyze some other things for awhile.  I want to talk about family.  First off, I have an amazing family that means the world to me.  I have a mother who has a heart of gold, a father who loves me even though I am not his blood, a sister that has been through a lot with me, another sister that is amazing and I look up to her, and my brother who is a great friend to have.

When you are younger, you do not realize that your siblings will someday be your best friends and emotional rocks in your life. I never really felt like they were my friends when I was younger. I was the oldest and was the bossy sister that tried to help mom keep everyone in line.  I had to make sure that my sisters did not pick on my brother, so they would gang up on us a lot.  All four of us fought all of the time over really childish things.  Looking back, you may have thought that we hated each other most of the time.  Fighting will happen when every child has a completely different personality.  

Now that I am in my mid twenties I have learned to appreciate all the different qualities that my siblings have.  My brother is a fun guy to take to concerts and games with. We really don't talk too much when we hang out.  I just enjoy his company and the man that he is turning into.  I think that he is the most like me out of all of my siblings.  He is very rebellious.  He is never listening to my mother, comes home late all the time, never calls her, and goes to school when he feels like it.  Funny thing is, he is very smart and I think he is going to go far in life.  

I have lived with one of my sisters before.  I love her so much, but I have never fought with someone as much as I did with her.  We have very different views on how a life should be lived.  I also believe that when we lived together we were at very different stages of our lives.  She wanted to party and have fun... I was working full-time and going to school part-time.I was also trying to have a relationship with a man that emotional drained me all the time. So, sadly to say, that experience probably did not help our relationship. I did learn a lot about her and have a better insight into who she is as a person.

My other sister is brave. I could never be as brave as her and keep my life together like she has.  My sister got pregnant when she was very young.  She decided to keep the baby even though at that time the dad was not in the picture.  She also decided to finish school.  I have no idea where she finds the strength to take care of her child and go to school, but she does.  And she does a great job at it.  I know that my mother does help her out a lot, but my sister still does most of the work.

So, I just wanted to state that I love my siblings and I look forward to grow even closer to each of them as the years go by.  I know that no matter what, they are there for me.